


Forced To Deal With What I Feel

by DefaltManifesto



Series: 30 Day Song Lyric Challenge [20]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: Anger, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-17 18:51:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13083144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefaltManifesto/pseuds/DefaltManifesto
Summary: Chrom forgets, somehow. He forgets Emmeryn died.





	Forced To Deal With What I Feel

**Author's Note:**

> Today's fic is from the following lyric from Car Radio by twenty one pilots wHICH IS A PROBLEM BECAUSE I'VE WRITTEN SO MANY FICS BASED AROUND THIS SONG HOW AM I GOING TO TITLE THIS FIC: 
> 
> "I'm forced to deal with what I feel/there is no distraction to mask what is real"
> 
> Also this fic is kinda. Personal in some ways. I have had a lot of family pass away, some suddenly and some not so much. Something I've always noticed is that I would forget often in the immediate months that they had died and would remember when I went to talk to them or ask another family member about them. So this fic is a lot about that.

Chrom forgets, somehow. He forgets Emmeryn died. It’s crazy to think about because there’s reminders everywhere, the main one being that the kingdom rests on his shoulders now. But it isn’t until the end of the day, when the rush of duties is over, that he remembers that he can’t go to Emmeryn and talk about his day or ask her for advice and that knowledge is what reminds him she’s not there. Then comes the guilt because how could he forget?

But then he sleeps, wakes up in the morning and the whole cycle starts again. He longs for another war. At least when there was fighting to be done, revenge to be exacted, he didn’t have to deal with the non-stop cycle of denial, guilt, and grief. He sees Lissa trapped in the same cycle, though she does a better job of hiding it. It would be smart, he thinks, to reach out to her. They’re siblings after all. She’s the only one who understands what he’s going through.

Something stops him. So, instead, they keep spinning in their own parts of the castle, keeping their grief close to their chests.

 

-.-

 

“This is unbecoming of you and I won’t stand for it another moment!”

Lissa looks up from her book, not sure how to deal with Maribelle glowering down at her.

“I thought reading was a good thing for a cultured lady to do,” Lissa says.

Maribelle huffs out a breath. “It _is_ if your posture isn’t dreadful, but that’s not what I’m talking about.” She sits down at the library table across from Lissa and leans forward, dropping her voice. “I mean this emotional instability you’re trying to hide with your admittedly beautiful smile.”

“Oh…” Lissa lowers her gaze as she shuts the book. “I just…I’d hoped no one noticed…”

“Perhaps no one else has but as your life long best friend I am naturally attuned to these things and since you won’t talk to me on your own, I decided drastic measures must be taken,” Maribelle says. “So. What’s wrong my dear Lissa?”

The words make Lissa’s breath catch. It’s the first time since Chrom was crowned the Exalt that someone had asked her such a basic question and it cuts right to the bone. She bursts into tears. They aren’t even pretty graceful tears, instead deep sobs that she muffles by burying her face in her arms. The chair scrapes and Maribelle rushes to her side. Lissa can feel her hands on her shoulders. It’s comforting, sort of, but it doesn’t help.

She’d been trying so hard to keep everyone’s spirts high – that’s what Chrom depended on her for. People had come to her grief-stricken over Emmeryn’s death. Lissa had comforted them and internally raged at their selfishness because Emmeryn was _her_ sister, not theirs. No one had bothered to ask how she felt. It just drove home that no one really saw her as royalty anyway, just some sort of odd child out that couldn’t possibly be mourning over Emmeryn anyways.

“Ah, Lissa, we’ve done you a great disservice haven’t we?” Maribelle asks, rubbing Lissa’s back.

Lissa hiccups and leans into her, trying to catch her breath through the tears but she can’t.

“It’s okay,” Maribelle says. “I’m here.”

 

-.-

 

“Hey Blue.”

Chrom almost makes an embarrassing noise as Gaius appears on his balcony. He’d been about to retire for the night and had just been staring up at the stars until his mind slowed down enough for sleep. And now he had Gaius perched on the railing.

“Hello, Gaius,” Chrom says. “It’s a bit late to be out isn’t it?”

Gaius gives him a lazy grin. “You know me. This is prime roaming time. Come on.”

“No.”

“Oh come on,” Gaius says. “You’ve been cooped up for months. We haven’t gone out on the town forever so I’m sure you’re all uptight as hell again.”

Chrom bites the inside of his cheek and gets to his feet. “Really, I’m good.”

He heads back into his quarters and Gaius, being Gaius, follows him. “A night in? I can roll with that too.”

“I don’t want you to _roll_ with anything,” Chrom says, whirling around to face him. “I want to be left alone.”

“Yeah,” Gaius drawls. “Because that’s working out so great for you. Have you taken a day off since we buried Emmeryn?”

Chrom freezes. His fingers curl into fists and then he’s whirling around, seizing Gaius by his stupid scarf and yanking him forward. “Why are you here, Gaius?” He shoves him back.

“Because you’re like this. You don’t lash out of anger, Chrom, you always smile and make people feel welcome no matter how much they piss you off,” Gaius says. “You’re barely holding it together. If you’re not gonna talk to someone on your own, then I’ll just keep showing up until you get out whatever it is you need to get out.”

Chrom looks down. “I…”

“Nah, stop that,” Gaius says. “No guilt. You’re allowed to be angry and I came here to pick a fight to prove my point that you need to talk to someone. So what is it?”  

Really, there’s only one thing on Chrom’s mind. “I keep forgetting she’s gone. What kind of brother am I?”

Gaius sighs and then stays silent. Chrom regrets saying something almost immediately, because now it’s not just him that knows. Now someone else knows what a shit person he is.

“That’s rough,” Gaius says. “But…I think we all do when we lose someone close. I’m not smart or anything like that, but if you think about it, it’s normal to go throughout your day like normal without that being on your mind. You’re busy. You got a lot to do. Hard stuff like that…you can’t think about it constantly. You’d explode.”

“But how can I do her memory justice if I keep forgetting she’s not here anymore? That she died fighting for it?” Chrom asks as he looks back up at Gaius, throat tight as his eyes begin to burn.

Gaius steps closer. “Chrom. I think Emmeryn would be damn proud of you. I don’t like royalty, but I liked her, and I like you, and I like your sister. I’m not gonna bullshit you. You know that. Forgetting about something sad for a few hours a day doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that you’ve forgotten what she hoped to do for Ylisse. You’re doing just fine.”

Chrom goes to talk, but nothing comes out. Tears wet his cheeks and he swipes at them angrily, wanting to say something, wanting to protest because maybe if he were a better brother, she would still be around. “She’s gone, isn’t she?”

Gaius’ expression falls. “Yeah, Chrom. She’s gone.”

Gaius catches him when his knees buckle and holds him until he stops crying.

           


End file.
